Sins of a Self Inserter
by Redentor
Summary: A guide on writing a Self Insert. What to do, what not to do. More chapters to be posted in the future. Note: This is not a guide to writing in general. It is a collection of ideas and theories that apply directly to Mass Effect. Do not bitch to us if you do not like them, as your personal taste is not the prerogative of Redentor Publications. Rated M for language and racial slur.
1. Chapter 1

**The Cardinal Sins of the Mass Effect Self Inserter,**

By James William Garrett,

Editor and Writer for Redentor Publications.

Through my time on , I have spent the majority of my time on the Mass Effect section. This is not because of a liking for the game, in fact I had never played it until two years after I started reading its fan fiction. I had watched a play through of the game to get a grip on the story, and enjoyed it immensely, and used the resulting knowledge I gleaned off it to write my first Self-Insert. To be entirely honest, it wasn't a self-insert, because the character I inserted was more of an OC. At the time I did not know the difference. I found myself instantly entranced by the many assorted OC's and SI's that I ran across during my perusal of the sights many editions.

I liked the idea so much, I spent most of my time dicking around on the site, and I'm very sure that I've read every single Mass Effect self-insert that had more than 20,000 words. A year went past and I became progressively more dissatisfied with the newer stories that I found popping up on the site. It just seemed off somehow, like it wasn't quite fitting together with clarity and elegance. So here I am today, and I think that I have finally isolated some of the problems, the things that made the alarm bells go off in my mind.

And I would like to share some of them with you, because even though I am writing my own stories, and they get good reviews, they offer no satisfaction for me. I used to think that if I couldn't find a story on this site that I liked, I could just write my own. It offered no sense of fulfilment however, I wrote it and then deleted it soon after, hating almost every word. I'm currently working on another project that I think offers more of an *ummff*.

So the short version of all this, is that I want to show you how to construct a believable self-insert so I have something to read while I finish Mass Murder: A Tale of Confusion. Lazy of me I know, but some of the ideas and theories that I have might appeal to you. Who knows, I might start something with this.

**Selling old tech and Currency **

First off, the issue of selling IPhones, old currency and the like for the newer currency of credits. Well the IPhone is plausible for the most part, but only if you sell it to someone who:

Has a genuine interest in artefacts of that era, or

Is a middleman to someone who is.

Seriously, I ask myself. What sort of Volus businessman, with some shitty little kiosk set up on the Citadel can afford to pay millions of credits to your self-insert in return for some antiquated electronics that he may or may not be able to pass on for a profit? No, your character is going to have to take a back bench with that stuff until you can find a specialised business on Earth that caters to that sort of merchandise.

In all fairness, I'm still a little sceptical that anyone would be interested in them. Antiques are priced in relation to rarity, and I dare say that you'd be able to dig up quite a few old pieces of tech in any good landfill that you could get working. Also there is the question of age: Would something as mass produced as an IPhone be considered old enough to warrant its position as a valuable piece of history. From the early Twenty-first century to the time we are talking about, 2181 or thereabouts, that is only a hundred and eighty years. Sure, from 2013, you can go back that many years and bring back any old piece of everyday junk and call it an antique. A lot of things in those days, for example a flintlock pistol, were not made in sufficient numbers, or made from hard wearing enough material to stand the test of time. That is why it is rare to find one in working condition. But an IPhone? Well in One-Hundred and Eighty years, I can see quite a few of them still being around, simply due to the fact that they are mostly made from hardwearing materials that have a decay rate of eternity. It may not be in working condition, but honestly, with the scientific advances I would be surprised if a collector would not be able to get it working after a few days' work.

Now currency…..simply? No way in hell would it be an antique by that time. The First Contact War happens in 2157. Now that's only thirty years or so before the time most people insert their character. Up until then, I think it's a safe assumption that humans still used the same assorted currencies. The American dollar, which is what most self-inserters use, would then be only thirty years old: Not old enough or rare enough to qualify as an antique. A curiosity maybe, but nothing more.

**Clothing and Cultural Difference **

Now, to the question of clothing. Would Alien's on the Citadel find your self-insert's clothing to be strange? Well, I'd say yes. For the moment, I find it safe to assume that they know as little about human culture as you know about theirs. And have you seen the Mass Effect 3 trailer? There was one asshole running around in a hoody and jeans that got iced by a Reaper. Even if that kind of attire is strange to them, which judging from the Mass Effect 3 trailer, it's not, then they won't say anything about it. They won't say anything about it in the same way that a person who is not familiar with the religion of Islam, would not go up to a raghead and ask why he's wearing a dress. It's just not polite or good practise.

And don't use the term raghead either kids, unless you're a cynical prick like me.

**Going too fast**

Okay, now we come to the most serious sin of self-inserting. The big one, the one that I really hate. The one that gets my blood boiling. Self-Inserters that manage to join their character up with Shepard only a few hours after they enter the Mass Effect universe. Why would Shepard accept some collage kid with no military experience, no records, no identification, and if like most of the prominent SI's, you decide to keep the whole traveller from another universe thing secret, no magical premonitions of the future? If I was Shepard and some random guy started telling the future, I wouldn't be inclined to offer him (I'm using *him* and not *she* in this hypothetical scenario) a position on the Normandy. I would be inclined however to waterboard the fuck out of him until he tells me how the fuck he knows what he knows. And I wouldn't believe the whole traveller from another universe bull even if he told me.

And you can't join the Alliance like some self-inserters, because realistically your lack of identification would get in the way. You can't just spontaneously become a mercenary, you have no military experience, and no-one to back you up. You could of course use that lack of identification or history to your advantage. Get someone to train you and get you gear, because a man with no history, trained to kill is a valuable commodity. But then you would be bound into a relationship with the person who trained and equipped you, and he, judging from his desire to have an unidentifiable hitman at his beck and call, would not really be a nice guy. And if he's cunning enough to want all that from you, I think he would be concerned with your loyalty to him before he wasted money equipping and training you. If you're just going to turn on him, why would he waste his time?

So unless you're willing to have your character break the law in a really big way, realistically you're screwed. Mug someone in an alley, con someone out of their credits, and steal everything that you need. That will get you the attention of the authorities, but since you have no ID, no records, no past or history, how are they going to find you? Set you character down on some obscure colony planet and go on a fucking crime spree until you have what you need, then barter your way off world. Exist outside the law, because outside the law is where all the excitement, all the money and all the action is.

**Personality Must-haves**

Your character has to develop a thick skin, he has to be a bloody thirsty motherfucker when he needs to be. No goody two shoes, Mary-Sue here. If you need a template, then Zaeed Massani is what I would work off. Your character has to do what it takes to survive, and if it takes ruthlessness and precision that rivals the illusive man himself, then that's the way it has to be done. Regrets aside you will be better off for it. If I was put into the Mass Effect universe under those circumstances then I would be inclined to be the Devil's Advocate over the Messiah who gets his ass shot off. And don't just write a character who does everything like a Paragon and is better off for it. It doesn't work like that. If people think your set on being the good guy, then they will take you for a chump, and will tear you appear. NO-ONE, and I repeat no-one likes the goody two shoes like Paragon Shepard in Mass Effect. He steps on a lot of toes and that's not going to work for your character. You not trained yet, you're not equipped, and you have no friends, no family, no money and no contacts. If you start pissing the bad guys off too soon you're going to die.

**Age Requirements **

Next off, never make your character under the age of twenty. You will get no respect from hardened soldiers or thugs if you still in your teens, and respect is what you need. You need a status, a street reputation: because if people like Massani, Jack or Aria T'Loak sense weakness they will start circling. Under the age of eighteen your character is not developed physically or mentally enough to take things in the flow, and you'll suffer for it if you write with any degree of realism. No more fucking fourteen year olds being accepted into the Alliance; that would not happen, so put the idea out of your head.

**Romance **

I know one of the main appeals of writing a story like this is that you get to romance your character off to a certain Quarian, but put that out of your mind for the moment as well. Cultural differences are just too vast, and the fact that no-one on Shepard's crew will trust your character because of his lack of identification or past. I'm sorry, but your characters relationship with Tali, Garrus, Jack or whichever one of the heartthrobs you have your eyes set on will have to be gradual. No instant attraction at first sight. Do it slowly, and take your time, as with any good relationship. Believe me, if you drag it out and expand the relationship slowly and with detail it will make the story as a whole, better. Trust me, trust me, trust me, and trust me.

**Attention to Detail**

Please don't make the mistake of only using the material from the original game in your story. If you come up with a good, original idea that makes sense when added in with the lore of the game, then go ahead and add it. I know I am. Exoskeletons, Ram-Jets, Fusion reactors and SMART ammunition. The story that I'm working on is just too large not to add in and expand on some of the games inner workings. Give your story the attention to detail that it deserves, be original, and be fresh. Come up with your own ideas, don't rehash old ones from other fan fictions or the game itself. If you need ideas, just message me. I'll be happy to refer you to a Wikipedia page, or a blog with loads of information that you can use. I'm flexible that way. Also, more OC's. Add in as many original characters as you can. You don't have to make them that detailed. Only as detailed as they need to be to get the job done, and if you like the way that character goes you can expand on him or her later. Don't shut yourself in around the main characters of the vanilla story, use your own as well.

Well that's that. I've imparted some wisdom, or whatever this mindless monologue is anyway. Give it attention if you want, but pass it on to every self-inserter that you know. Spread it around, and keep it in circulation, because I'll be giving more tips on this *story* for you guys to use.

As always,

Trust me on this,

And have a good craic,

James William Garrett,

TheSadist.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter Two of Cardinal Sins of a Self-Inserter,**

By James William Garrett,

Editor and Writer for Redentor Publications.

Well here I am again, here to impart wisdom to the masses. Now, it's time for me to start giving you some tangible ideas, not just a vague template. Food for thought, that's what you need, and I'm going to give it to you. As I said before, this guide is to make you self-insert more realistic, so if you want no truck with what that entails, then stop reading now. To make your story believable you might have to change your characters and storyline in ways that you will not be comfortable with, and I understand completely. It's your story, your characters, and if you don't feel good writing like this then it's just not for you.

But for those of you who are still intrigued by the idea, keep on reading.

**Here and There**

Well, the first thing you have to worry about when writing a Self-Insert is how your character got there in the first place. How did he go from being your average 21st century guy to an inter-dimensional jumper? There are a few options, and I have my favourites. You all know the usual method. Got dizzy, saw a vision of an Asari looking for help, and when you wake up your in Mass Effect; happens all the time. You could expand on that later, giving the Asari a larger role in the story as you progress, but I just don't think that it fits in with what's going on in the story. I see no evidence that the Asari have that kind of technology, or even that the Protheans had it.

No, if you want it realistic, it has to be a higher power. That is stretching realistic a bit, and I fully acknowledge that. I'm an Atheist, so I have no delusions of gods, goddesses or anything like that. The only religions I have any time for is Islam or Buddhism. The reason I like Buddhism is because the world would be a lot better place if all we did was sit around on pillows and smile all day. And Islam…..well, as bad as it may seem, I like anyone who doesn't like the Americans (And there goes half my good reviews right there).

But in the case of Self-Inserting it fulfils all the basic requirements. The "Gods" have the power, in the form of divine spirit or evolved technology to get your character from Here to There, and as "Gods", they won't give a shit about consequences, because in all seriousness, who the fuck is going to pick a fight with higher beings? Gods don't have to have a reason for doing what they did to your character, their Gods. They did it for a laugh so they had something interesting to watch between breakfast and afternoon tea.

And if you want, you have a reason to make your character as screwed up or as overpowered as you please. And, after your Mass Effect story is finished you have an excuse to drop your SI or OC's off in any other game you like. After all, if you get that far and people still think your stories fresh, why not capitalise and turn it into a web series?

**Now that I'm here, what the fuck do I do?**

Well that's the tricky part. My method is to get your guy someplace where he can think uninterrupted for a bit. Someplace where he can mull over what he's going to have to do to survive, what he has to do to get what he needs. This is very complicated, as you not only have to think about what he's going to do next and how he's going to do it, but his emotional response. He's going to be in shock, slightly pissed off. Conflicted about what he knows he has to do.

Now you all know if you read the last chapter, in which I suggest becoming a criminal is the best route to go. You don't need ID to take a job from a criminal, you don't need to have a good reputation, and you don't even need qualifications. Criminals don't ask questions that much, especially the ones further down the ladder. Beat the shit out of some old guy with a baseball bat, collect on debts, and peddle drugs and guns. Fuck bitches, make money.

After a while, they'll put a gun in your hand and tell you to kill someone, because they want someone they can count on behind the trigger. Do that, and your into the more serious shit. Intercepting shipments of weaponry, drugs and hard suits. Killing rivals, blowing up labs and hiring out yourself as a mercenary. Sooner or later, your skill set will catch the attention of others. Maybe the guys that you've been fucking over for money have gotten tired of you and have a price out on your head. You have to get off-world, and some of the guys you've been working with decide to go with you.

Now you have guns, drugs, hard suits, money, probably a ship for you to use, and a team of hardened criminals that see you as their de facto leader. Sounds good for a start, am I right?

**When and Where**

Before this point, you should not even think about Shepard or the events of Mass Effect 1. Ideally you drop your character in about a year before the events of the first game to give yourself some breathing space. Build up your forces, get some good gear, and most importantly a reputation. Just enough for criminals like Aria T'Loak to know you exist.

When the events of the first game finally occur, Shepard will not trust you because of your reputation but at least with this approach you look like you belong, and she/he is still none the wiser to your identity as a dimension jumper. She/he won't let you on her ship, or on her/his crew, and she/he will most likely want to turn you in to the proper authorities.

But that's okay, because you have your own ship, your own crew, and you are in a position to shadow Shepard around, slowly gaining trust until she/he trusts you enough for a strained relationship to develop. You have the advantage of knowing when and where Shepard will go. From then on, the rest of the storyline will fall into place.

**Crew, Gear and Ship **

So you have all that shit and you don't know what it's going to be like, or how it works. Well, your ship should be smaller than the Normandy, a corvette type vessel capable of carrying ten men at most. A GUARDIAN laser system and two main guns located forward and aft. Think Millennium Falcon out of Star Wars. Your crew are armed and mobile, and they act like the real military deal. If you do not know what the military genuinely sound like, then look up Jester814 on YouTube. His videos (ARMA 2 Combat simulator) and the rest of the 15TH MEU (SOC) will set you right. He was a radio operator for the US Army in real life, and he knows what he's talking about.

In Mass Effect, a small squad sized element like the one you have (More than five, less than eleven), can lay down a massive amount of firepower. If you want advice on custom made weaponry, ask me. I can help you with that as well, because I know far more about weaponry and explosives than is strictly legal.

I'll post another chapter of this dealing extensively with the military, tactics, weapons and stuff of that nature later. Most of you know about as much about that as I know about women, so don't just pass over the chance to talk to me about stuff of that nature. I can make time at weekends, and I can and will talk at length over Steam if you want me too.

**The Galaxy at Large **

When writing a story like this, it's important to keep your scope as wide as possible. When I say that, I mean you have to acknowledge the fact that there is more going on in the galaxy than just your actions and the actions of Shepard. The Geth are making their merry was around the outer systems of the galaxy, the Council is at odds with Terminus, and regardless of what you believe, there are probably some very nefarious things going on between the Turians and Humans. I don't like the all talk no action bullshit that people have pegged on the Citadel Council.

They don't follow Shepard's every whim and request because they don't believe her/him. In all seriousness, giant sentient starships and renegade Special Operations Agents? I wouldn't believe it either. And Councillor Udina? He's a dickhead, but he's a pro-human dickhead, and he's effective on a political level. That makes him a valuable asset in my book.

Now looking at it on a purely racial level, Turians don't like Humans. Humans don't like Turians, and the Krogan don't like anyone. Asari are too high and mighty for their own good, and the only ones actually doing well for themselves are the Batarians. There are going to be conflicts. Hired contractors, terrorist groups like Cerberus, or Black Operations. All will be present, and no one will be playing fair.

**Be Brutal **

Mass Effect is no longer a game here, it is reality. For your character this is a harsh and unrestrained take on the original game. There are no difficulty levels, respawns or screens. This is real, and you have to write as such. When writing a combat scene, be brutal. There is blood, there is the stink of rotted flesh, the buzz of flies and the wriggling maggots that gorge themselves on the dead.

There are no constraints to how far away something can shot at you. It could be anything from ten feet to a mile. There is no such thing as the confines of a map. You cannot stop in the middle of a mission to talk to some guy like they do in the game. Someone has to be on flank security, someone has to be alert at all times. Shepard cannot drive around in the Mako like some retard. Ground forces are no longer your only problem. What is to stop the Geth from calling in precision air support? Nothing, that's what. What is to stop Shepard from taking all of the ground team instead of just two? Nothing, that's what.

What is to stop the Geth from killing Tali on Feros? Hmmm? Really, what is to stop her from getting killed? She is not trained in any way to be honest. She is not in any military, and is in fact quite young at the beginning of the first game. In fact, if we are looking at it realistically, Tali should never have been able to join Shepard's crew in the first place.

The same with Liara T'Soni, Garrus and Wrex. They are not Alliance personnel, nowhere in the game does it say that Shepard cleared their presence with the proper authorities before allowing them to set up shop on a military vessel. He/she should have if I'm any judge, and even with the hero card on the table, I doubt they would have let her/him take them along. In fact, how did Captain Anderson just get up and give Shepard the Normandy? It wasn't his ship to give, it belonged to the Alliance.

If you look closely there are a lot of flaws in this game that make it a pain to write about. And it would be heartless and brutal to kill Tali off because her character is not at all suited to the realities of combat. It would, but it would also be foolish to suggest that she can handle herself as well as Williams or Alenko. They are trained, she is not. They are above the age of twenty five, she is not. They know when to be cold and efficient, she does not.

So tell it like I would be. Don't hold back. Torture someone for information, smash someone's face into a wall so hard his brain matter is smeared all over the brickwork, leave civilians to die because you're not willing to risk your life or the lives of your men in an attempt to save them. We do not live in a perfect world; reflect that in your writing.

**Do not drop out of character**

This is an important thing to remember, because it can ruin a perfectly good story. When you write dialogue and character interactions, stay in character. For example, in most self-inserts I've seen, writers tend to forget that Shepard is a trained soldier. More than that, he/she is Special Forces, or the Alliance version of Special Forces anyway. Shepard in real life follows military doctrine to the letter, follows orders, and has respect for his /her superiors.

Shepard does not wear his/her hair long, and when not wearing his/her hardsuit, Shepard wears a Uniform in accordance with the proper Alliance dress code. When Shepard gets up in the morning, a strict regime is followed, never to be deviated from. But Shepard isn't some hardass like Udina you say, he/she is cool and badass. I've got news for you.

Shepard is a soldier, and soldiers follow the motherfucking rules, or they are subject to disciplinary action. As an Officer, and a high ranking one at that, Shepard is responsible for his/her crew and if it is found that for-mentioned crew is no following Alliance policy, Shepard as the commanding Officer would be brought before a Board of Inquiry and discharged on the grounds of Incompetence. This is not Call of Duty, this is not Battlefield, and this is not some crappy "movie" (It should be film, movie is an Americanism). This is the military, and they don't take shit from anyone.


	3. Chapter 3

**Sins of the Self Inserter**

**Part 3.**

Well I'm back again, mindlessly babbling on to correct mistakes I have no right to correct. But I'm going to anyway, because I'm a hardass. Problem anyone?

Good, let's get started.

**Military Tactics**

Now, to understand military tactics you have to work from the ground up. Think of it like a game of real time strategy, with each unit subtype having a unique advantage and disadvantage over other units. We shall start off with the most common "unit" on the battlefield, Infantry.

They are small and lightly armoured when compared to the other subtypes, but possess a unique advantage in of the fact that they are flexible and mobile. Given the right equipment, Infantry can take down targets on land, air, sea and in space. To balance this out, they can easily be cut down by light armoured vehicles, heavily armoured vehicles, aircraft and space based air to ground offensive weapons. They are the bread and butter of every conflict.

Light armoured vehicles fall into one main category, and that in delivery platform. They are there to get your Infantry on station in very little time and to assist your ground forces in taking out the opposing infantry forces. They are vulnerable to aircraft and heavy armoured vehicles.

Heavy armoured vehicles are weapons platforms on the ground. They are slow and ungainly and despite the fact that they are possibly the most intimidating thing on the battlefield, they are the weakest. Infantry can run circles around them and then nail them in the back with AT, Light Armoured Vehicles, though being very vulnerable in a one on one, can easily escape without much trouble. Aircraft and Space based Weaponry can nail them from the sky and take out whole formations of heavy vehicles without any trouble. Taking this into account, Heavy Vehicles are one of the few things that are almost no-existent on a realistic battlefield.

Aircraft are the kings of warfare at this time. The side with air superiority will always win, nine times out of ten due to the expansive range of missile strikes and the amount of firepower they can put on target. The Mantis gunship, though only rarely seen in the actual game, is a mainstay of future warfare. They are only truly vulnerable to one thing, and that is other aircraft.

Space based weaponry is what you might call the equivalent of the future WMD. A barrage of mass-accelerated fire from space can tear apart the surface of a planet like Swiss cheese, and it is similarly disapproved of by galactic authorities. It can virtually destroy a planets eco-system, as well as destroying most resistance on the surface. Since your character is a criminal in the story, if you have followed my advice that is, you could use this as a weapon of last resort. Taking over a Cruiser and Dreadnought and shelling a planet from space will certainly make you infamous on a galactic level, and coupled with your past criminal activities and mercenary jobs, could get you the attention of the illusive man so you can join up with Shepard at the beginning of Mass Effect 2.

**The Crew**

Well, from what I've seen of self inserts who get far enough in their stories to have their own crew, they are big on the concept of racial and species equality. One of everything so to speak. A human, an Asari, a Salarian, a Turian, a Batarian and so on. Why? Seriously, it looks like your just doing it to build a collection. Personally, the self inserts that I write are veterans of First Contact, so they are a bit distrustful of aliens in general. Their "crew", is made of a humans, and humans only. No exceptions.

But I also admit that you might not want to do that, so as a nice middle ground, drop the symmetry and just build a god damn team. No more of that menagerie bullshit with one of everything. Mix it up and don't worry if you're missing one species on your crew.

Talking about symmetry, what is this strange trend to have a specialist in everything? A tech specialist, a biotics specialist, a CQB specialist….it makes me want to send violent messages to the writer. You're dropping out of character, making the story seem too much like the game. Okay, let me make it easy on you so I don't have to rant to get my point across.

You have room on your ship for a crew of ten, including yourself. You have a techie and a biotic. That's all the specialising you really need. After that you have yourself, a bunch of grunts, a designated marksman, and a corpsman (What is known as a medic in crappy American video games. Corpsman is the official, realist term).

Take that template and do what you will with it, but please god don't take one of every race. Take mostly humans with a smattering of aliens here and there. You are a human after all, so your crew should at least partly reflect that.

**Your Own Abilities **

NO BIOTICS FOR YOU!

Don't make me explain this to you, otherwise I'll go blue in the face and smash my expensive computer screen. You should bloody well know why, and if you don't, stop writing Mass Effect fan fiction until you grow a fucking brain.

You are essentially a Soldier with some basic tech skills, (more if you're willing to make your character put more time into it), and a knack for convincing people to do shit. Just on a side note, never brake character and call someone a Soldier, or a Sentinel, or an Adept. This is not a game, there are no such things as classes.

Genetic and synthetic augmentations are good shit though. They can be bought on places like Illium and Omega with relative ease, but cost an arm and a leg, no pun intended. Use these later on in the story if you want to give a bit of an over-powered feel to your character.

**Morality **

If you are serious in following the advice I set out in previous chapters, you have to get a grip on your morality. You have to put aside the difference between right and wrong for a second and write like Stephen King. You want to hire a prostitute? Go ahead. You want to break someone's face for talking down to you? Here's the fuckin' baseball bat, go to town on that fucker's ass. You want to shot civilians because they're in your way? Here, let me load that gun for you. Stop making your self-inserts such goody-two-shoes pussies and get down to that hard-balling action. You're a criminal aren't you?

Well this is your characters new mantra, and you never do anything unless you can answer this question with something other than, "it's just the right thing to do."

"Why should I give a shit?"

Why should you risk your neck, your money, or your time for anyone or anything else if you're not getting something out of it? "Gee," you ask, "how am I going to get in good with Tali or Shepard if my character is like that?"

Well you can go all goody-two-shoes when that time comes if you want, but at least be honest with your characters intentions. He's doing it to get her in the sack. Don't fucking sugar-coat it you fuckers, men or women like your character have no time for love or any of the bullshit that goes with it. They want sex, and if they get that and spend enough time with the other character then, and only then do you even let a glimmer of genuine affection shine through. Now quit being a pussy and write god damn you, write until you have the characters that we have been talking about and more. Write your fucking heart out. 


End file.
